CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah![]()
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.