Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.