Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Monday Lisa
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.