Clients after you give them your rates
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I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*