Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.