Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

What personal space?

My dog

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Creepy-crawlies

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

respect

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.