Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Stop.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.