Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.