[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
You Might Also Like
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
#TopTip
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.