Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Mmmm. Shoeshi