Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

This could’ve been an email.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.