[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
it was love at first sight
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.