You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
You Might Also Like
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think