[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
crochet youtube is brutal
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta