[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
What the dentist sees
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Fries, not lies.
I’m never leaving this app.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.