*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.