Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
You Might Also Like
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
This trial is so absurd 😭
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
2022 will be better than 2021
yea so i messed up lol
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”