Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.