Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.