[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day