[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
