@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.
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@AnkCoupleTO: [speaking at an AA meeting] Me: You'll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding *everyone cheers*
@fro_vo: Judge: has the jury reached a verdict Jury: yes your honor Judge: how do you find the defendant Jury: guilty Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT
@crunchenhanced: For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”. How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
@ElleOhHell: Jared Leto's primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil