My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
going to the ER y’all need anything
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people