@markleggett

Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.

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@MichaelaOkla

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

@MJMcKean

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@CorkyKneivel

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

@alexisthenedd

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

@kelkulus

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@GlennyRodge

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

@iwearaonesie

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix