Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Become ungovernable.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”