Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

hackers play passwordle

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Feel. He’s so soft.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”