Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
You Might Also Like
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.