Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon