Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.