Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them