Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.