Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies