Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
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No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10