Close call…
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”