Close call…
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
make up your mind
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.