Close call…
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
congratulations to them
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
They must have gotten it to go.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Just added something to my bucket list.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip