CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The 6 types of sex
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”