CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Candles never taste the way they smell
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.