CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You deplete me
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.