Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Sure. Why not?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait