Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about