Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I love twitter
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Smallpox sounds so adorable
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.