Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*