Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Breakfast for Stoners:

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?