Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*