Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.