Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?