Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”