Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.