Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

The 6 types of sex

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year