*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters