*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
🎵 I can’t wait to
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say