*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Not😆🤣
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.