Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.