Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job