closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.