closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
RT if you could go either way.
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I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
i smell a pulitzer
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Lmao
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D