Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
man i love columbo
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Best spot.. 😅
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.