Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Forever 21… pounds overweight
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’m Sold!
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf