(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
kitchen magnet
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Joseph Smith, 1833
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded