Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

A fake ID that makes you younger

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me