@FrazzleMyGimp

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

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@riot4rach

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

@ibid78

“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves

@krustythe_klown

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

@DrakeGatsby

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@3sunzzz

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

@kwirkyKerri

Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.