Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.