Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

New nose

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*