Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.