“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
This will never not be funny 😭
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me