Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

saving face 👀

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat