“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
He just like my cat fr
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass