“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.