Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I can fix him.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
absolutely not
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?