[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
When I face a minor setback
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.