Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Monica just destroyed the internet

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

ㅤ

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road