Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no